Contentment & Satisfaction

I feel like locking myself in my room, shutting out the outside world and immersing myself into reading and playing guitar. I feel like being alone. Just writing on my journal, creating new masterpieces only for self-satisfaction.

I can say that the urge to be a loner occurs from time to time. I'm just worried the need for alone time will become more frequent and that it will be casting a shadow onto learning new lessons which may only come from being outside, being involved, and being out there.

It's February. Already February. I had a conversation with Jenny not too long ago and I told her of the things I've been up to. It doesn't surprise me anymore that I tend to tell her every detail of everything. She asked why I haven't been out that much, which for some reason offended me the tiniest bit possible for I think I've been quite content with my reading and staying home. Other than that, I've been tutoring juniors and hanging out with friends from time to time, and I've signed up for driving lessons, which to me is already a bit much to fit into my schedule. Which is a bit funny because I think I'm actually schedule-less.

I can't go out much and experience the whole damn freaking world because I guess I have some setbacks - no licence, no car, not much money, all my friends are working. I guess I could arrange something someday, maybe I'd ask the ones who are not working to join me in a new experience. I've been meaning to volunteer somewhere but I haven't picked out a place and I'm trying to find that one thing that could make my time worthwhile. Maybe more than one thing.

I'm surprised that I enjoy tutoring. Some need help with homework and such and I think I've been more enthusiastic learning the SPM syllabus now than before. Maybe it's because now I learn or teach for fun and don't have to be pressured by the idea of exams. It is a bit freeing.

But I need more things to do, get out more. I hate to say it but Jenny always seems to be right.

Tweets.

This life seems still & unmoving. Neither going forward nor backwards. Just completely still. 
There are some people that I miss everyday. It sucks. But I can't complain.
I could feel the distance already. 
Being jobless & stuck at home makes me feel like I'm quarantined.
Staring outside the window just quietly observing the real world without really being a part of it.

18.

I turn eighteen today. Alhamdulillah. Especially with the tons of texts, tweets & wall posts coming in at one time. And a lot of people remembered my birthday without having to refer to Facebook. Haha, cool! I got the most wishes this year which was pretty chaotic & lovely at the same time. I laughed when Mely texted me 'HB', serious kelakar! And I'm glad Tia liked her birthday videos, hers was yesterday. Dia suka gila. I've yet to reply some texts & wall posts I haven't gotten the chance to. Hana & Izni recorded a birthday song for me, my girls are so sweet! I'm listening to it right now :) Thank you family, friends and everyone ♥ 

To the ungrateful side of ourselves,

There are times when we become blinded by the worldly things. So concentrated on the things we don't have rather than the things we do. I could say that this happens most of the time. Just be thankful that during the other times, we are reminded that we actually have more than enough. How dare we ask for more?

If we were the children of poverty, the victims of natural disasters or those who have suffered any form of lost, we would have no time to think about getting those new pair of expensive shoes, the latest technology hype or basically anything that we don't truly need. I think it's perfectly fine for those who have the extra cash to indulge themselves once in a while, but it's not fine when it occurs too frequently. Worse, when they become ignorant to those who are suffering & could really need financial aid.

Anything I write down is mostly done to remind myself. I hope so much that I would never forget that I do play a role in providing aid, of any kind, to the community. Kinda sounds blah, don't you think? This is what you get when you can't sleep. You think too much during the tossing & turning. Well, I guess I envision myself being a certain way. It would feel amazing to be who I've always wanted to be.

Life with no order

I really cannot imagine myself working, having a job somewhere at a fast food joint or retail store. It just didn't hit me as something I wanted to do - working after my SPM. I guess I did consider it before but now, since I changed my plans on what I wanted to do, I don't think I could do those things if I had a job. I have my own plans but for the meantime, I'm just gonna see how life is without a schedule, without knowing what exactly I'm getting myself into.

I gotta clean up my room, my old school books, get my driver's licence, read books, start writing again, learn some new songs on guitar & piano, volunteer somewhere, maybe pick up a new language. I dunno. I don't wanna have to fit in a job in there. I haven't played the piano in a long, long time. But I played with Hana when she came over last Monday. Baru sedar rupanya rindu main. Wanna know how a "tak jadi" cover sounds like? Here's me singing & Hana playing the piano to Jar of Hearts. Tak jadi because Hana played the wrong chord plus I blew the last note, I usually sing a bit lower than this, so I guess it's both our faults. You'll hear us laughing at the end. Enjoy :)